How can I sleep when I can’t trust my own mind?
It takes me down dark paths, wandering into woods I know I’ve been lost in before.
The constant questing, nagging, demanding fear is this: what if I’m wrong?
What if what I think will help me only makes things worse?
What if this attempt for peace of mind is really just a desperate plea for attention, for a demonstration of being loved?
Am I worth the concern that others show for me when I struggle most with my illness?
Am I just escaping my responsibilities by curling back into illness or I am actually challenging this illness with the hope for better treatment?
Aspects of hospitalization feel addictive – the safety of being surrounded by people, checked on every 30 minutes to ensure I’m not doing something to harm myself.
Nearly every trigger and method of suicide removed, a near risk-free environment.
Pressure to be productive and responsible and healthy all eased.
An enforced and regular schedule of meals and sleep, all without the challenges of cooking and tidying.
And of course, the outpouring of concern from friends and family.
But what is the cost?
Loneliness and boredom and too much time to think.
All the negative judgments of myself find evidence to support themselves.
I could curl up in this darkness, and just… stay.
Will being here really help me create long-term stability or is this just the start of another cycle of regression?
Am I actually ill or is this all in my mind?